Sunglasses
by Mariagoner
Summary: Bella Swan would like to share a few words of wisdom, culled from years of extensive experience. Beware meta, crack, and breaking the fourth wall with free-flying ambition! Based on the Sunscreen speech. Features Bella/Edward and hints of Bella/Orgy.


I'm free! _Free!_ At least temporarily! So I thought I might as well make the best of it by working again on Twitlight (oh, Alice, how I love you and your flexibility—in all senses of the word-- so) and then finishing up a silly but extremely fun humor fic based on this infamous commencement speech. And now that I've written one from Bella's POV… I rather want to try writing from Edward's. Guh. Someone stop me before I go too far!

**Title: Sunglasses  
Fandom: Twilight  
Characters/Pairings: Bella, Bella/Edward, Bella/Orgy  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Bella Swan would like to share a few words of wisdom, culled from years of extensive experience.  
Note: Beware meta, crack, and breaking the fourth wall with free-flying ambition!**

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**A Commencement Address, By Bella Swan**

Ladies of the Plucky Female Protagonists Class of 2008:

Always remember your sunglasses.

If I could give you only one piece of lasting advice for the future, that would have to be it. The long-term benefits of wearing sunglasses on bright days has been proven by years of experience, whereas the the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my very meandering life as a trouble-magnet, sometime vampire-hunter/accomplice and single clumsiest person to have ever actually lived beyond their first ten minutes on the face of god's green existence. Everything else I have to say-- and I'll say it now-- might only apply to my own experiences.

But whatever you do-- promise me that you'll trust me on the sunglasses bit.

First, never forget to enjoy the power, beauty and eternal youth of the people you somehow find yourself falling in with. You might resent them, hate them, be envious of them and want to join them. But whether you actually do the last or pull a Tuck Everlasting, if you're in dazzling company, you might as well find the time to bask in it.

Don't worry about your love-life. Or rather, do worry about it but know that it'll work out for the best in the end. Oh, you'll definitely have to go to the same ol' same ol' song-and-dance with having your love be unfulfilled and then tragically cut short and then interrupted by a series of unfortunate events. But if you're plucky enough and female protagonist enough, chances are, you'll finally reunite with the one you're really meant to be with. Or at least die tragically and picturesquely while trying to do just that.

But in the meantime, try only to form a love triangle (or quadrangle or hexagon or...) with people who _aren't_ willing to murder you if you don't hold up on your end. And when you get into that inevitable love triangle, try not to have the central antagonists be supernatural creatures that absolutely loathe each other. Avoid vampire-werewolf or elf-dwarf combinations.

Relax about being a social screw-up early on in life. The school of hard knocks might hit you early on but it'll ease up after a bit.

Of course, that might only be so that later knocks will hit you even harder. But hey, that's one of the downsides of being the protagonist.

Man up when it comes to getting the holy living hell kicked out of you by a very angry vampire-vampire-hunter. It might leave you with a few broken bones and with severe brain swelling... but somehow, if you're clumsy enough, your parents will probably buy a story about you being punted out of a window. And if nothing else, it'll win our some serious street cred.

Punch a werewolf in the mouth at least once for trying to take advantage of you. Just remember to keep your thumb _inside_ your fist while you do it.

Live in Phoenix once but leave once your story has to begin. Live in Forks, Washington once but leave when the book ends. Travel often and travel frequently. Learn about all sorts of new people and just how or why they want you dead.

If you ever meet anyone named Anita Blake, run in the other direction. And if she even so much as _whispers_ about the ardeur, run twice as fast.

Nobody needs to be in a cross-over _that_ bad.

Follow the Rules religiously. If it worked for Anne Boleyn, it'll work for anyone in a supernatural vampire romance novel. Just remember to keep your head.

Do one thing every day that scares you. Even if it means subjecting yourself to hot bitch sister-in-law's 'constructive criticism.'

Don't take your parents for granted. They'll suffer from having a heroine as a daughter just as much as you'll suffer from being one. And trust in the fact that having a two year supply of dried fish in your fridge from your dad might eventually make you want to both cry and laugh.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. You don't know when they'll be strong enough to tear your own from your still heaving chest.

But remember to let others be reckless with your own. You wouldn't have much of a story line without just a bit of that.

Respect the event-planning skills of any quirky, telepathic, century old creatures of the night you might meet. However much their willingness to treat you like a human-sized barbie doll might drive you mad.

And whenever said creatures of the night tell you they're vegetarian... do yourself a favor and don't ask.

Realize that friends might come and go but the friends that'll help you move bodies around-- including your own-- are the friends that'll truly be with you until the bitter end. (And BYO Body Bag whenever you possibly can.)

Respect your elders. Especially when they're older than you by a century and can easily crush you where you stand.

There's no shame in being a damsel in distress. Just remember to do it with style and flair. And remember to duck, roll and cover when your flailing limbs will actually let you.

Respect whatever original body parts you might still have.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know how to end your life. Some of the most interesting undead I know were pushing daisies before they even quite finished puberty. And a few others others actually managed to have their full brain develop before they were dead.

Don't overuse the word dazzle. Sparkle, shiny, shimmer and spackle often work just as well.

Cut the hot bitches in your life some slack. Sometimes, they'll actually sport a back story tragic enough to make up for whatever tact, kindness, sweetness or calm they otherwise might lack.

Respect that even supernatural creatures of the night can enjoy all-American pastimes like hunting and baseball. Even if they never _do_ come up with reasonable explanations for that.

For one reason or another, gang rapists are everywhere. Always keep some pepper spray in your purse, practice lung-power for a good scream and do your best to keep some sort of telepathic communication open (or at least broadcasting) to the hunky telepathic vampire of your choice.

Don't be afraid to dance in front of others. Even if you look like a lunatic and ultimately injure dozens of spectators for doing it.

Accept a few inevitabilities. People will always have a problem with the main female protagonist. You're never sweet enough, snarky enough, bland enough, interesting enough, pretty enough, plain enough, realistic enough or wish-fulfillment enough. Just shrug that aside and flaunt the fact that you'll always be in the majority of the fanfic and eventually have a turn at all of the male cast and quite a few of the females as well. Hold out for an orgy as hard as you can.

You actually don't need to constantly be in danger to hear the voice of your true love. Sometimes email or snail mail would actually work as well.

Never assume that just because someone's told you they don't love you any more and cut off all contact with you, they actually _don't_ love you anymore and have cut off all contact with you. At least get the paper notarized before you go off the deep end.

But most of all, trust me on the sunglasses bit.

You might find yourself dazzled by the strangest of creatures if you ever manage to forget them.

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**Author's Note**: Must… resist… urge to take joke too far by writing one from Edward's POV. Must…

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